The Secret That Eats Its Keeper

               I purposely chose a title that was ominous and dark, hoping to set the mood for the seriousness, attention and urgency that I hope this blog ignites in each reader. I would like to talk openly and honestly about an unspoken ill that plagues communities of color. This problem is not limited to only people of color; I’m sure it has far reaching impact on other communities as well. But I cannot speak intimately of their experiences.

                Unfortunately our society does not promote intimate and personal levels of communication for men, whether it be with other men or with the women in our lives. Our conversations safely skim the surface levels of our lives. Our highs and our lows are relegated to snapshots and highlights. Rarely do we delve deeper. We are content to know and share just enough. Emotional and introspective conversation is uncommon and therefore uncomfortable.  Vulnerable and honest conversations are reserved for life’s highest and lowest moments: weddings, funerals, births and retirements.

                This is not an indictment of the general shallowness of male communication skills. It is merely an attempt to expose what I feel may be a featured cause for the true point of this blog: mental health. According to the Health and Human Services Office of Minority Health, African Americans are 20% more likely to experience serious mental health problems than the general population. Common mental health disorders among African Americans include: Major depression, ADHD, PTSD, suicide and anxiety. But, only about one-quarter of African Americans seek mental health care, compared to 40% of whites.

                Why the disparity? There are a myriad of reasons.  The negative social stigma of mental health issues, the economic burden of mental health services and access to services are just a few. In a Psychology Today article, Monnica T. Williams Ph.D., sheds some light on why people of color fail to seek mental health solutions.

“In places like Los Angeles and New York, everyone and their pet has a therapist, yet even among the wealthy and elite, many African Americans continue to hold stigmatizing beliefs about mental illness.”

“Many African Americans with mental disorders are unaware that they have a diagnosable illness at all, and are even less aware that effective psychological treatments exist for their specific problem. Because of the taboo surrounding open discussion about mental illness, African Americans often have little knowledge of mental health problems and their treatments.”

                I have had my own personal battles with mental health and without the love and support of my wife and son, my family and friends I am not sure what the narrative may have been. I was fortunate. I was lucky. I had been seeing a counselor and I also had developed relationships with friends that I loved, respected and trusted as my brothers that gave me the opportunity to share my dark thoughts and seek the professional and medical help I needed.

                Mental health issues are not easy to detect. They can be hidden behind the shroud of smiles and “normalcy” needed to keep the secret. They can be masked and misdirected as “he’s just tired,” “he’s having a bad day” or “work/home is just crazy right now.” So to not notice that someone you care about is suffering through mental health hardships is not a measure of how much you do or do not care for him. But we also must be comfortable with the conversation. Ask the questions that need to be asked. “Are you OK?” “Is there something you want to talk about?” “How are you doing…no really, how are YOU doing?”

                Since addressing my own mental health, I have come to learn that a few of my friends that I have known for years have also had their battles with mental health. It’s an odd duality to feel relieved that I am not alone in my struggles but to also be made aware of my ignorance to my friend’s struggles. This is why it became important for me to share this. To shed light on the fact that you may or may not know someone that needs you. They may be desperately waiting for someone to ask them “Is everything OK, do you need to talk?”
              The strength of the oak tree depends on the soil that the acorn lays in. Our boys and young men need to be taught to be comfortable and confident with their emotions. We need to make sure they understand that being sensitive and vulnerable and seeking help and guidance in times of uncertainty is part of their journey into manhood. The strongest tree in the forest is the one that bends and sways with the winds of the storm. The tree that stands rigid and stiff against the wind is snapped and torn from its roots.

               Also, it’s important to acknowledge that mental health is an ongoing pursuit just like your general physical health. Just as we watch what we eat, do our best to exercise and enjoy our vices in moderation, we need to pay attention to our thoughts and emotions. It is time that we make our mental health a part of the dinner table conversation, the man cave conversation and the conversation with our medical professionals. As men of color we need to be more comfortable with sharing our minds and our hearts with those that we love and trust. The truest treasure is that which is shared with those you love, not concealed and locked away in a vault constructed of our insecurities.